a little dot of detail in the whole story.

I can start my post whining almost about everything but I chose not.


2010 is so far not a good friend I must say. to tell the truth i still dont know how to start my post.again.Mother is still in ICU battling against whatever deceases yang serang beliau. doc told us that the pancreas stone has been successfully removed from mom's body but she is still weak and has difficulty with her breathing and for that they had to give her sleeping pills (yang liquid punye I seriously don't know what's it called). so yea, she's still in ICU, sleeping. time was not a friend again sebab mase balik Melaka mama dah di tidurkan. I really thought dapat tengok mama sedar and senyum and dapat berbual.tak kisahla tak dapat bebual lame pun takpe janji dapat tengok dia cakap. I managed to talk to her through phone 3 4 days ago but the morning before I arrived kat Melaka condition dia jadik macam sebelumnya.

things have been pretty harsh on me so far.

today is Sunday.17th of January2010.

today is the 17th day since mother was sent to hospital. it seems that the situation will continue and guess I can't stop counting.

but we talk about that later.

today after spending my weekend back and forth dari Kl - Melaka - Johor, saya balik semula ke kl sebab esok keje.khamis ade presentation kelas research methodology bersama encik Quayum. bertolak dari Melaka pukul 7 ptg. dalam bas tetibe rase nak berak. sakit perut.benci nak mampos sebab kene tahan tahi dari menerobos keluar. sampai stesyen Pasar Seni pukul 9 mlm mmg tahi dah amat nak keluar.berlarilah saya ke toilet stesyen lrt tersebut. lepas bayar tiket kebetulan kot ade beberapa lelaki kaukasus juga nak masuk toilet dengan tergesa2. saya yang rasa tercabar terus jalan laju2 potong mereka sebab nak rebut toilet.masuk jek toilet encik pembasuh toilet sedang berwajah manis basuh toilet.perasaan saya terus jadi tak keruan.macam mane nak berak? sebab mungkin ada rezeki kebetulan ada satu toilet cangkung sedang free daripada sebarang penghuni.toilet bersih sebab baru cuci kata saya dengan selesa.cepat2 kunci pintu gantung beg dan bukak seluar.dalam ketangkasan nak bukak seluar dan spende tetibe pluuuup talipon saya ter slipped dan masuk dalam lubang jamban...chanteeek! tanpa pikir panjang terus hulur tangan dalam lubang jamban dan tarik talipon kuar. saya cuba rasa kalau2 tertarik atau tersentuh tahi warga kuala lumpur tapi takde plak.tak rasa sebarang tahi batu panjang ataupun tahi liquid mahupun tahi berjagung. mungkin sebab baru basuh?i dunno.

talipon terpadam mungkin trauma masuk lubang tahi.hoyeah!saya cuba gantung seluar tapi seluar pon ter slipped dan jatuh ke lantai basah.seluar pon basah.saya gantung balik.lepas gantung terus berak banyak2.

lepas tu cebok dan pakai seluar dan keluar untuk amek train.tangan saya dah basuh bersih2 ya in kes ade orang tanye.sampai lrt gombak saye mati kutu sebab patutnye amad helmi amek tapi macam mane nak amek kalo tipon saye masih pengsan?no talipon sorang pon tak igt.pikir panjang2 baru teringat ade bisnes kad BAU lalu saya tipon guna publik phone.tak sangka publik phone ni kadang2 berguna jugak.saya cuba guna tipon pertama rosak lalu berubah ke no 2 dan berjaya. lepas suruh BAU mintak tolong talipon sakip dan suruh sakip mintak tipon Ahmad Helmi suruh amek saya, saya pon tunggu beliau selama lebih kurang 40 minit kat lrt station.

bila ahmad sampai kami yang lapo terus lepak Old Town dan dalam pukul 1 balik.Ahmad helmi hantar kat post gad dan saya pon naik ke rumah tapi secara manisnya tiada sorang pon kat rumah dan saya pon tadek kunci rumah.nak talipon rakan serumah tak bole sebab tipon rosak jadi saya bercadang gunakan talipon publik call BAU.bila pergi ke Publik phone kat condo saya rupanya talipon tak berfungsi.terus mati kutu.kejap jekla tapi sebab saya teringat kat pinggiran batu caves ade talipon publik.jadi sayapon dalam puk 130 pagi berjalanla sambil galas beg besar ade laptop pagi2 buta menuju ke publik phone terdekat yang adela 2 3 kilometer dari rumah.berpeluh saya. masa dalam perjalanan saya rase sangat macam nak nangis atas nasib yang menimpa.ibu sakit di ICU, talipon rosak masuk jamban,tangan seluk lubang tahi, rumah tadek orang dan kunci, berjalan jauh nak mintak jasa ahmad helmi selamat kan saya....rasa sangat nak menangis...

tapi saya tak salahkan nasib mahupun persoalkan Allah. saya cuba memotivasikan diri dengan jalan gaya kawad sebab mahu datangkan mood gembira. saya yang dalam nak nanges tersenyum jugak.tapi takpe sebab hati saya kuat kata Allah takkan bagi ujian yang tak dapat hamba dia tahan. jadi saya teruskan berjalan.macam orang gila.tapi cool lah.tapi masih nak nanges.sampai tempat tipon terus kol ahmad helmi dan minta dia amek.

sekarang saya updet post kali ni kat dalam bilik ahmad helmi.dah pukul 3 pagi.18 januari 2010. mama masih di ICU.

Ya Allah aku terima dugaan ini semua kerana aku tahu kau sayang aku. aku hanya mahu ibu sihat semula dan dapat dia lihat anak2 bahagia dan berjaya.persis apa yang memang dimahukannya.

to tell a story.

I have grave difficulties right now selecting the right introduction to this post. Being a lecturer for almost 2 years now I always tell my students to start their essays with clear opening statement but now that I am in their shoes, I wonder how should I come out with my own clear opening statement to the story that I am about to tell when everything that is happening right now feels exactly like a dream?Nothing is clear as far as my sane mind can figure. I also tell students that a good essay should start with a very interesting or better, somehow dramatic phrase in order to attract reader's attention in reading their essays but what kind of drama will I unfold in this post as nothing and I really mean Nothing in this world can be dramatic enough to reflect the experience that I am excruciatingly experience right now?

well, the word 'grave' in my first sentence seems so insignificant before this. Repeatedly I have again and again used the word irresponsibly to emphasize the difficulty that I had experienced previously throughout my 25 years of life. Never I cared so much until recently when my mother became sick and diagnosed with Pankreas something-something and had to be hospitalized for further observations. The word grave...or even sick suddenly become a closely guarded taboo in my life.period.

Yes...at this moment my mother is still in hospital fighting bravely against her illnesses. As much as I want to believe that she will soon become healthy again, I also have to accept the fact that she is still in ICU and is still using the alat bantuan pernafasan to help her breathe. though the doctors have kindly informed us that mother is making improvement, they also told us that we should not put our hopes too high as the penyakit is very well known with its 'mood swing' behavior. We understand that fact fully but we also understand that we have Allah by our side and that we should never stop asking for His help. so since 6 days ago, we never stop praying.

There are so many things I want to write here. To scribe in details about everything that I am experiencing right now. Not so people can know or read or understand my story but so I can remind me in the future about this nightmarish chapter of my life. I want to remember and learn to appreciate more of my past,present and future. But how do I capture the things that are happening around me with the right words? the words that I know were constructed to never tell the truth.

" Ya Allah ya tuhan ku. Tuhan segala sekian alam. Tuhan yang maha pengasih lagi maha penyayang. Yang maha mengetahui lagi maha mendengar. Sesungguhnya aku bermohon dan berdoa kepada Mu ya Allah supaya Engkau kembalikanlah kesihatan ibu ku seperti sediakala. Kau berikanlah dia kekuatan untuk menentang segala penyakit mahupun kesakitan yang dihadapinya Ya Allah. Panjangkanlah usia ibu ku Ya Allah. Sesungguhnya kami anak-anak nya masih lagi tidak mampu untuk berdiri tanpanya di sisi kami Ya Allah. Berikanlah rezeki kepadanya agar dapat dia lihat kebahagiaan dan kejayaan yang akan kami berikan kepada ibu kami Ya Allah".

Mama....adik rindu mama. Mama kuat yea?